Thursday, November 19, 2009
drunkenness is a state of mindI cannot more aptly describe how I am feeling now.
Drunkennes is a state of mind.
I always say this when I want to tell people that I am not really drunk. but the truth is, what I am trying to say really is that I want to let myself get drunk. thankfully under most circumstances, my excuse or reason would be for fun and laughter and joy, not like tonight. I kind of like this feeling that I have now. Better still if I have the right company, but I'll just have to settle with this compromise.
I have this overwhelming urge to get drunk. To let my emotions engulf me and let my body feel the blood running through my veins and my heart beating. like as if a bottomless blackhole, my heart seems to be sucking me into a abyss, into a void which cannot be filled. My mind is blank and I feel no emotion and I lay here, sinking deeper and deeper into it. feeling more and more peaceful.
Humans.
what a pain.
| # over and out @ 4:27 AM |
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I was youAs you can see.. I really am in the mood for blogging.
This post is dedicated to my dear friends who, although I never said it, are important to me.
I had to write this post. I just had to. Not just because u refused to answer any of my phone calls, but mainly cos ur words really hit a chord.
Its never about who's right or who's wrong. If only love was so rational.Love is understanding and love is compromise.
Love is unreasonable and love is blind.
I can't really stand on either side of the argument cos, I have been very understanding but also very unreasonable. Everyone has their own set of ideals but very often what can bring two different ideals together, is love. When one is unreasonable, the other can understand. This is what love can do, isn't it? yes! you can be unreasonable to her, her and her! you should!, and only to her. Why? Cos you wouldn't be to anyone else right? you would only be to the person you love, cos love can just make one so blind.
okie. Before I start getting curse and sweared at, of course I dun mean its okie to be unreasonable too. Not always at least. Thats not called love. That's called taking advantage! but I am pretty certain that's not the case.
so.. i mean a weakness for one could be a compromise for the other. Let not a weakness stemmed out of love be the tool of destruction of something that brought urselves so much happiness. Look beyond the weaknesses and appreciate the understanding, and I am sure what you would find would be the love that you each hold so deeply on to.
To love is to trust.
on a side note,
"the only person who will never give up on u is, u"
NO. the only person who will never give up on u is, your family and people who truly love u. Never doubt someone whom u know loves u. They always have ur best interest at heart okie!
I hope this helps my dear friends.
love,
pz
| # over and out @ 4:24 AM |
wonderful things happens during christmas
haiz. I'm bored.
All of a sudden, I face the screen and I just dun feel like playing any games or watching any videos. Sometimes I really don't know what goes on in my head. When I should be supposedly busy, I can't wait to spend all my time doing useless shits and end up neglecting what I should be doing. When I have nothing on my agenda, I sit around and wonder how I can spend my time more meaningfully. This should be the epitome of what one would be called a idealistic escape artist. Hell. I don't even know how I came about with the this term. It just came to mind and seemed so apt. ha
... and so I started logging on to msn again. wanting to connect with friends and not feel so much a part of the virtual world. Actually, secretly I had another agenda for logging on, but come to think of it, harlow... fat hope la! haha. oh well.
okie. back to msn.
my poor friend's still in office at 1am in the morning and she said : "xmas is on the way". That of course was a reply to my message "when's christmas coming?", and for that, I would have to go all the way back to that night where I suddenly had that overwhelming urge to watch "Love actually". Blah blah blah... I shan't not talk about the whole movie here but I shall just quote this:"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."
and because the whole theme of the story revolves around christmas, doesn't it just make christmas so appealing? okie okie. It not just all because of the movie. To start with, christmas IS actually really my favourite day on the calendar. It has been and always will be!
and so the conversation went...
I can't help but feel disheartened with all the pessimism and negativity coming from my dear friend. Isn't christmas the day where wonderful things happen? Isn't it the time to make up for all the lost time and lack of effort throughout the whole year? Isn't it the best time to show that u love the people that u love around u? Not just lovers or friends, but family too!? Isn't it the perfect time to feel that love is all around? It isn't about how old we are, is it? As a matter of fact, I think the older we are, the more we start to cherish, isn't it?
haha. I am definetely an idealist? but I like living in my fairytale story! I like to imagine how beautiful my world can become! I want to believe!
stupid, naive or just plainly really an escape artist? For my dear friend, that's me. You?
I'm starting to feel that I don't know what I am trying to say here. But anyways, I hope something wonderful happens during christmas this year and I would be able to read this post again then feeling comforted.
and...
I want to go to the airport! (though I think I might be disappointed)
| # over and out @ 2:04 AM |
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I googled myself and here I amwhy am i here again?
haha.. its almost always the same reason isn't it.
but first
Happy Birthday to my sister!
Sunset Bay, my teammates, horrible food, a bottle of red and the seaside!
that's settled.
so.
here I am again trying to sort out my thoughts.
I am a love at first sight person. it cannot be just a good first impression, a mild liking, or "oh, thats an eye candy!". it has to be love at first sight! or is it really? that's my first question.
I mean, of course there's no doubt about love at first sight; the intense whirpool of emotions which turns ur world upside down instantly, but what if it doesnt start out like that? can I like someone whom I didn't "love" at first sight?
I am no angel, but who doesn't like thrills? It runs in the family man. ha. The only difference is I am definetely more responsible. hmm. okie. that isn't the point anyways.
I think the point is that I dont like to be at the other end of the bait if I am not madly in love with someone. It just doesnt give me enough reason to be there. but on the other hand, there isn't totally no reason too.
sigh. I'm tired.
i think i am just imagining things.
lets hope i dun be rash
| # over and out @ 6:18 PM |
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The "Apple Incident"I hate apples. Especially the really red and small ones.
I remember I once bought a bag of really red apples.
It was, 5 small apples in a small red plastic bag and an unconvincing excuse. An unconvincing excuse, which nevertheless played its part and which should have had me indulging the whole day, if not for that untimely call.
If I was not mistaken, there was a moment of guilt, the guilt of betraying and the guilt of intruding. The mutual awkwardness and understanding of the situation stood there for a moment until it suddenly dawned upon me the need to react. I acted nonchalant and it become just a normal phonecall which for no particular reason, just took too long to be answered.
I didn't remember anything else after that, cos that ended my day.
This "Apple incident" sudden came to my mind when i was watching "Coffee Prince". Actually, at first I only remember giving away that bag of apples and why i did it. Then the whole incident came to my mind, very vividly.
Should I say, I should have known?
or, I am glad I had some decency in me, unlike some.
Not to a stranger. Let alone, a friend.
p.s. apples? sorry, I never bought anymore.
| # over and out @ 12:09 AM |
Monday, April 06, 2009
the late night jogsnew 40 mins record. yes.
I don't think i have ever lasted for that long before, although i did make a few stops in between.
It was just 3 stops lah, and 2 was to adjust my laces cos the blisters were really starting to hurt.
so anyways
As i was preparing to go out for my run and during my run, i kept thinking to myself.
"wat is running through my head while i am running?"
and every time i thought about this question, i couldnt come to a conclusion and my mind just wondered off somewhere.
So wats the shit about people saying they go out for jogs to think about things? either their stamina is really good, or i am just mentality too weak. cos i came to a conclusion finally that i must be too tired to concentrate on anything else other than psycho-ing myself that I CANNOT STOP!
wat led me to think about such a stupid question to start with. ... ...
this is going to sound a little bit arrogant and prideful...
[edited]
welcome back my much missed status, and together, my new found vigor.
this season is going to feel different. on top of eveything that u used to teach me, i will also remember, your passion.
| # over and out @ 3:48 AM |
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Can't help itI can't help it that i only think of blogging only when i am feeling down.
I can't help it that i am feeling down.
and I can't help it that even the slightest knowing, the slightest reminder, puts me down for weeks.
I dreamt that I could still be packing ur bags with you. Bringing over that jacket that I like so very much, buying u that new ankle guard, packing in a bunch of med and hoping you really have everything that u might need. Better still if i could be packed into ur bag.
I dreamt that i will send you off again, just so i could wait for ur return to welcome you back.
I can see that beam on ur face, that pride and the love for the game, and you will shine, like you always have in my eyes. My star.
but
All i can do, is say, Welcome back. Here.
I'm sure my shoes are much better filled, no matter how much i hate to admit.
There's no pain, just the feeling that everything is draining out of my body and into the heart. Like a black hole which has too much burden.
and i am feeling it much too often recently.
p.s. ...
| # over and out @ 1:33 AM |
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
感触one of those night where you feel.. something..
something that you just cant put a finger to describe...
very peaceful but yet somehow the heart feels very heavy.. aching but not painful.
and somehow, you kind of wan to savor this feeling.
oh..
bittersweet.
一直没承认，一直不在乎，可是最终还是要承认，还是难免眷恋。
有时等她擦身而过后，你才发觉她就是那个你最想找的避风港。那个很温暖的手和太温柔的声音。让你感觉最安全的避风港。
可是。。。
而她竟然很象我。
你也很象她。
| # over and out @ 3:15 AM |
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Happy Birthday Sis!Just back from a gruelling 8 hrs wine drinking session filled with bbq, fun, eye candies and my dearest dearest sister. I am surprised that i am still pretty sober and my sister is dead drunk, considering how much better a drinker she is than me.
Free BBQ at winebos, lots and lots of wine, pretty girl sitting beside my table (damn, too bad she has a girlfriend. ha), delicious birthday brownie fresh from the oven courtersy from winebos (what nice people!!) and a nostalgic feeling.
Horrible wine from the Thai pub, deafening music, a bunch a bitchy sluty ugly girls who cant sing, BUT super eye candy whom everyone was gushing over ( okie. of course i wasn't, but i got to admit he is pretty good looking) and whom carried my sister to the stage and back and sang her a birthday song!!!!(how fucking cool is that lah!) and a drunk sister and a nostalgic decadent feeling.
I think my sister's birthday rocks, and even more so later when she gets her LV Tivoli bag which i had a part in choosing(not paying of course. ha).
Happy Birthday Kristine Lim
| # over and out @ 4:02 AM |
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Goodbye my loverso finally, new school, new semester coming up, and i'm looking forward to get my life back together. The league has ended and the weekly friday and weekend rituals will be missed but it might not necessarily be all bad with no more inconsiderate people and unwelcomed tension.
The only thing is i'm getting fat again and all those beers ain't helping at all! I'm promising myself that i got to sign up for a trek at the end of the year.
...
after watching so many stupid fairy tale dramas and dreaming of having 一场轰轰烈烈的爱情, i did have it afterall. 即使并没有天长地久而且还挫折不断, but i wouldn't have wanted it otherwise. Admist all those dramas, i had many times asked myself if i still love and althought everytime i didnt really answer myself, but i knew. I didn't have to answer myself cos i knew. Like i knew it was love at first sight and nothing else can be compared. the only thing i didnt know was how to go on. so scared of the differences and so unsure. i never doubted that love conquers all and i had hoped for it so, but i hate to admit it, we are just all not brave enough to believe. God makes a fool of all of us.
At the end of the day, i just couldnt conjure up enough thats why i left it the way it was. somehow the fear of uncertainty and insecurity, was just more than that fear of losing by just that bit. cos it almost seemed like i saw the end of the road.
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
ps. i miss you
| # over and out @ 1:40 AM |
Thursday, October 02, 2008
unsettledI tossed and turned in bed and couldn't sleep for the longest time last night. I dunnoe when i finally fell asleep, but i guess it was after i had the wind stop blowing in my face. I hate it to have the wind blowing at me when i'm sleeping and i almost forgot no one knows it now.
God played a joke with me on sunday. He wanted to make me fall harder, so i could pick myself up sooner and better. but he forgot that i was always few steps behind everyone, even now. it only hit me now.
Either i never notice or i didnt choose to, but there are always a few moments everyday that i give to you. yesterday i thought about u when marco was driving and i was asking him about changing gears. yesterday i thought about u when i was reading the ending of "Trainman". yesterday i thought about u when i was watching Mars. yesterday i thought about you when the fan was blowing at me. yesterday i might have thought about u a few more times.
these thoughts at times are fleeting but at times they stay for a while longer.
some people say that the most lasting memories are those of hatred and pain, because they can heal, but the scar will never go away. i only remember 0.1% of the bad memories and 99.9% of the happy memories. The scars can never go away, but at long as u have something even deeper and more lasting then scars, the scars dun matter afterall. I had it all along. you had only the scars and held on to it tightly all along. never willing to let go.
p.s i miss you
| # over and out @ 11:21 AM |
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Here is who i amI haven been blogging for a long long time. I've been wanting to do so. Just got other things to keep in occupied. Which is not necessarily bad actually.
Last week was spent with my obsession of gay movies. After the inspiration from my dearest coach Jamie, who was totally sort of bragging about all the gay movies she has watched. Then i started to feel fat and it got me onto a running regime, which got me back to finding comfort in music. U know wat they say. Music soothes your soul. and running with my mp3 player gave me that extra mile and that long awaited compliment from Jamie finally. I hoped my benched days are over, but of course there is only one match left.
However, there's always a good side and bad side to everything. Music does calm and soothe ur soul for that while, but inevitably, it also reminds you of the sweetest but saddest memories. Leading you inevitably too, to those few drop of tears when you are alone in the dark in the middle of the night.
And this week was a breather finally, with some work bugging me down. ironically. but the world of an escapse artist doesn't last forever, as we all know and things finally catch up with u. Inevitably again. When u stop ur foot steps and realise there's nothing for u to be distracted with, it all comes back . and thats when that bottle of alcohol comes in even during mid day, and u act totally out of fashion. or shall i rather say actually ur true released-self.
i'm feeling a bit happy, brave and actually a little bit bitchy, which i dunnoe why. But might as well, before the alcohol wears of and i got to meet my friends 3 hrs later in my normal suit.
all those talk about an ultimatum and trying to get rid of u from my sight. I actually got to confess that i might not have wanted it that way. of course it irks me to see that scene again and again. but only you, i saw that smile that i haven seen for a long time. the glaring bright smile that i know that you are happy. that u are having fun. the fitting clothes that u are confident that u know u look good in. the look of seriousness u have when u throw that ball out or when u catch it and i know u love wat u do best at. and the fun-loving person that i catch a glimpse of that reminds me of chub and by and u telling me so sincerely that u even love fooling around with me like that.
and you. i missed you so.
the soft sincere look u have u ur eyes. those eyes that only saw one person. and even those angry and disappointed eyes u have sometimes that makes me feel why couldnt i be a different person and be guilty like shit that i wan to make it up to you.
I missed you and i wished this could have been a letter instead. in my true unescaping undenying-self. and i just wanted to call and find out how u are.
but i'm too afraid to lose. although deep down i know i have actually already lost in the midst of. but i am just unwilling to tell myself that.
alcohol doesnt keep u insane forever. we all know that already.
it couldnt even last me till the end of this post.
| # over and out @ 5:32 PM |
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
10 things i hate about you
And the way you style your hair
I hate the way you call for me
I hate it when you flare
I hate your big scary house
And the way you don't read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me ryhme
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you deny
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate the way you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
and i hate to look at my bookshelf. I hate to pack and find new things.
I hate those instant noodles and the box of old swiss miss.
I even hate to wash my clothes sometimes and to see my sister's new computer.
I hate those lanterns hanging in my balcony. I hate the smell of my perfume.
I hate to watch movies and i hate to look out of my window.
i hate every minute that i hate.
我的倔强， 我的自尊
我已来不及的道歉
我的遗憾
| # over and out @ 3:03 AM |
Friday, August 29, 2008
such nonchalance, where it almost seems like deliberate. .I woke up just now and thought it would be a great day.
- I'm almost well after 5 torturous days.
- Its 10.30 am and that's relatively early! I actually have almost a whole day ahead!
- I'm in the mood to wash my clothes and pack finally.
- There's training today! (this would just be a bonus if the turnout is right)
Then the inevitable snapped me back to reality.
why do i have to have a shouting match with my mum at least once a day?
seriously, this shit has got to stop. i think i got to have anger management or some form of therapy really. I do love my mum a lot.
In the midst of our quarrel, my throat tightened and my eyes threatened to tear. She's is still rambling on and i turned away in a most nonchalant manner and walked away.
Ever so often, i wished i could ran into her arms and cry.
I just couldn't.
they said i looked fine.
nobody knew me.
not even you.
| # over and out @ 11:13 AM |
Thursday, August 21, 2008
that's not what friends are foryou keep adding fuel to the fire. like u are afraid the fire isn't burning red enough.
when there are too many people, there is bound to be politics and alliances. A friend once asked me. " if there are 2 alliances at ur work place and both are trying to rope u in, how would u choose?". I said, "stay neutral lah, save all the hassle". she said:"stupid!, of course u go with the stronger alliance!". ha. i'm bad at politics she insist.
but once u join, u will be sucked into it. u depend on it and u can't survive without it.
however, rebel and know the consequences.
lol. sounds like the singapore government.
and so i decided to drop the whole notion.
but partly also because maybe i never really meant to do it.
道不同,不相为谋 .
disappointed.
| # over and out @ 1:15 AM |
Friday, August 08, 2008
Inevitableday 3
You wake up at 4 o'clock, rush to work and for the next 6 hrs at least, u should be preoccupied. When u get home at 11 o'clock, u eat and have the regular drinking and smoking session, which should then keep u preoccupied for another few hrs. ta-da, u will have managed a good day.
....... If only. then the phrase, "watever can happen, will happen" won't exist.
I know why i keep quarreling with my mum and be so adamant to keep that box there . Cos always never exist. I can't always get it again.
ha. i'm not silly after all.
for now, it will just be there cos no one dares touch it.
why is it only friday tmr.
| # over and out @ 5:28 AM |
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Twitchday 2
twitching.
is wat lies beneath the look of calmness and nonchalance.
god. the last time i blogged was more than 1 year ago. wat a perfect example of my quarter-life crisis..... okie. maybe i am being a litte bit too exaggerating here. but how better to put it....
pay is coming in 2 hrs time. i should treat myself to a Asahi. or maybe 2.
| # over and out @ 8:19 PM |
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Curiosity kills the catThe insatiable desire to be curious is just human nature really. U know what lies beneath. U know it is taboo. U know it kills. and yet u stick ur nosy head in and get ur brains blown to pieces.
At the end of the day. U can't blame anyone but URSELF. ur bloody itchy fingers and that devil in ur head.
A devilish idea.
has been brewing for sometime already. It just needs a little more fire to it. a little more catalyst than the curious devil. then its 破 釜 沉 舟.
at the end of the day. u can't blame anyone but urself.
| # over and out @ 6:50 PM |
Thursday, March 01, 2007
i faulted again. never again.
i have not done to try. cos i have not i have put everything else aside.
this i will remind myself, everytime i doubt.
from the first book i have bought in many years:
because everything alive has its two sides;
a word is one wing of the silence,
fire has its cold half.
I love you in order to begin to love you,
to start infinity again
and never to stop loving you:
that's why I do not love you yet.
I love you, and I do not love you, as if I held
keys in my hands: to a future of joy -
a wretched , muddled fate -
My love has two lives, in order to love you:
thats why I love you when I do not love you,
and also why I love you when I do.
| # over and out @ 4:17 AM |
Thursday, February 22, 2007
I hope i am not too late.
I hope my place is still there.
I hope someone hasnt sat in it yet.
I love myself but you too.
To me, to love is to possess. not selfishly but cos being together is wat love is about.
and for love i hold on.
| # over and out @ 4:02 AM |
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Merry christmas and a happy new yearI wish I could say that..
but its just too scary.
The thought of it makes me wan to sleep
if it refers to me..
i did.
did u?
| # over and out @ 3:17 AM |
Just rants of unique me where the deepest truths are read between the lines or mostly unwritten.