Saturday, September 27, 2008

Here is who i am

I haven been blogging for a long long time. I've been wanting to do so. Just got other things to keep in occupied. Which is not necessarily bad actually.

Last week was spent with my obsession of gay movies. After the inspiration from my dearest coach Jamie, who was totally sort of bragging about all the gay movies she has watched. Then i started to feel fat and it got me onto a running regime, which got me back to finding comfort in music. U know wat they say. Music soothes your soul. and running with my mp3 player gave me that extra mile and that long awaited compliment from Jamie finally. I hoped my benched days are over, but of course there is only one match left.
However, there's always a good side and bad side to everything. Music does calm and soothe ur soul for that while, but inevitably, it also reminds you of the sweetest but saddest memories. Leading you inevitably too, to those few drop of tears when you are alone in the dark in the middle of the night.

And this week was a breather finally, with some work bugging me down. ironically. but the world of an escapse artist doesn't last forever, as we all know and things finally catch up with u. Inevitably again. When u stop ur foot steps and realise there's nothing for u to be distracted with, it all comes back . and thats when that bottle of alcohol comes in even during mid day, and u act totally out of fashion. or shall i rather say actually ur true released-self.

i'm feeling a bit happy, brave and actually a little bit bitchy, which i dunnoe why. But might as well, before the alcohol wears of and i got to meet my friends 3 hrs later in my normal suit.

all those talk about an ultimatum and trying to get rid of u from my sight. I actually got to confess that i might not have wanted it that way. of course it irks me to see that scene again and again. but only you, i saw that smile that i haven seen for a long time. the glaring bright smile that i know that you are happy. that u are having fun. the fitting clothes that u are confident that u know u look good in. the look of seriousness u have when u throw that ball out or when u catch it and i know u love wat u do best at. and the fun-loving person that i catch a glimpse of that reminds me of chub and by and u telling me so sincerely that u even love fooling around with me like that.
and you. i missed you so.
the soft sincere look u have u ur eyes. those eyes that only saw one person. and even those angry and disappointed eyes u have sometimes that makes me feel why couldnt i be a different person and be guilty like shit that i wan to make it up to you.

I missed you and i wished this could have been a letter instead. in my true unescaping undenying-self. and i just wanted to call and find out how u are.
but i'm too afraid to lose. although deep down i know i have actually already lost in the midst of. but i am just unwilling to tell myself that.

alcohol doesnt keep u insane forever. we all know that already.
it couldnt even last me till the end of this post.

| # over and out @ 5:32 PM |

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