Saturday, September 11, 2004

Finally finished watching 21 Grams....
Every scene finally falls into place after that.
I sat in front of my lappie staring blankly at the black screen for 5 mins..
Not looking at the words but just alphabets running down.
The background music seems to accompany my mood pretty well.
Not sad, not happy, not confused, not tired, not hungry, not anything.
Just calm with a heavy heart.
Then i sat on the table beside my window, looking at the people playing street soccer, people playing badminton, people walking along the track, listening to the distance but very audible music my neighbor is playing and even further away, the sound of drums played by some malay muds probably....
Then lookin back into my room.
My untouched dinner, which i have still no appetite eat, laying on the stool at the far end of the room.
Big pile of clothes which has been hanging there unkept for dunnoe god knows how long.
My table, my shelf, my pile of bags, seemingly neat, that's cos my mum just packed them.
My hair stands up and my body shivers every time the fan blows in my direction, and even so, i am too lazy switch it off.
The soft yellow light makes everything feel so subtle, so serene, so peaceful.
It hits you so strongly in the beginning, burning sensation on your lips and ur throat, u can feel it running through your blood.
That's vodka. Haa
I stopped for a moment looking at the blinking cursor on the screen. I stopped again.
Don't ask me why i am writing all this crap.
I don't know it myself too.
I suddenly thought of the show "American beauty"
:"They say your whole life flashes across your mind when you die, during your last breath."(this is not the exact quote)
Wat will flash across my mind when i die?
My unhappy childhood.
My mother which i "love" and hate so much.
Happy moments which i cant remember any now.
Or the moments when i cry and question life.
:' they say we all lose 21 grams at the exact moment of our death, everyone. But how much fits into 21 grams? How much is lost?... How much goes with them? How much is gained? How much is gained? 21grams, the weight of 5 nickels, the weight of a humming bird, a chocolate bar. How much does 21 grams weight."
Everything fits into 21 grams, everything.
Your whole life, that weights only 21 grams flashes across your minds and disappears with you forever in that split second before you die.
Hatred, love, success, failure, happy memories, sad memories.
Everything will be gone.
So how much is gained? How much is lost?
How much will be taken? and how much will finally be released?
Wat will you desperately wan to keep? and wat will you gladly let go?
For now, can I start with 1 gram again? Just 1 gram.
No more.
Nothing more i can say, nothing more i shoud say, nothing more i shall say.

I am still shivering from every blow from the fan.
I am still burning with every mouthful of it.
Don't think i am crazy here.
Its just a sudden rush of thought that i have to "pen" down.
Thoughts which are all over the place and thoughts with no apparent meaning.
I am amazed at myself at times.
Amazed with my actions.
Amazed with my thinking.
Or should a say appalled.
I shouldn't say I hate myself or hate my life. (which I truly do at times)
I should say I need to find myself and find my life rite?
Majority of my day was spent sleeping.
Maybe that cleared my mind and settled my anger.
To let me think.
But still this would be a wasted weekend again.
God, pls let me study.

I am talking incoherently. Am I?
I am just writing whatever that comes to mind my.
But I should stop now.

| # over and out @ 11:27 PM |

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